4th November. Glass shattered again. I knew that it was going to happen. Even when it did, I did not shed a single tear. I thought that I was going to be alright without love. However, I was going to be alright if love was still near to me and not gone forever. Yes I was being selfish, but that’s the way it is. I thought that we could reset our relationship, but I’ve been fine without you. I don’t know if I can be alright knowing that you’re no longer near to me. I want to move on, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose you forever because you have helped me become a better person. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. But just as a friend.
Yesterday we had a misunderstanding about what a special friend is. To me, a special friend is when you are best friends with your former partner. There is nothing more than a best friend. There is love, but just as friends. I stopped loving you as my partner. I don’t miss you as much as we just met last week. I miss my friends whom I’ve not met for years. I was surprised when you said you miss me, as though we are still together.
Yesterday made me realise that we have utterly different definition of a special friend. Now I don’t know if our friendship will work and will last long. We argued as though we were a couple. Therefore I stopped conversing. We were just friends, nothing more. A special friend is still a friend. There was no reason for us to argue like that yesterday. And just stop. Period.
A cold lonely bird sitting near the letter box. My dad decided to bring it home last night. I rushed in my room to get a shoebox, and ran to the kitchen to get a towel. Then my dad lay the weak drenched bird in the box. I made sure that it’s safe and try to keep it warm by switching off the fans and just wrap it in the towel. I saw that the eyes were closed and it was not moving much. I tried to nudge it to make sure it’s still alive and made some movements. I gave it water to drink and some crackers for it to eat. But the bird only drank water and that was the last drink. I wiped the bird’s feathers as it was smudge with it’s own poop and made sure that it’s clean and dry. I went to bed right after I left it’s food in the box.
This morning I woke up to my mom telling me to feed my cat and the bird. I went to check the condition of the bird but it’s still weak. It’s eyes were tightly shut and it only moves when I hold it. The box was covered in the bird’s poop amd even it’s feathers. I let my cat look at the bird and put it on a newspaper I laid out on the floor. I took a cup of warm water and a towel to clean the bird and the box. The bird moved every now and then. Until at one time when I saw it gasping for air. I wrapped it in a small towel and rubbed it’s body to try to keep it warm. But it was getting weaker and trying to breathe. I tried my best to keep it alive. Lastly, it had it’s final breath and died in my hands, with both eyes opened slightly.
A guy and a girl were queuing behing my friend and I just now and they saw us signing. When ordering, I spoke and I heard them saying, “oh, it means she can speak but not hear. But how she can understand? Maybe she’s not deaf. But how they both communicate?” It’s amusing and it wasn’t the first time hearing such conversation.
My inner emotions is about to burst soon. So many negativities and feel lonesome even in a crowd. I feel depressed with my life. The constant disappointment to people around me. The things I do is always double-sided. I want to change. But it’s never permanent.
To lighten up the mood, I’ve been in my own fantasy world where I live luxuriously but happy and satisfied. All I asked for was my parent’s longevity. Otherwise, I was even happier with that person.
But I know 1 thing for sure, a friend does not have to be a physical being. God is my companion. He is the one who knows ALL my problems. So perhaps I should stop worrying about not having any friends to share my feelings with. I have Him.
Who are my friends? True friends, close friends, best friends forever? I may have a large social circle but who knows me best? I’ve said it before, and I realised it. It’s karmic. In a way. Just because I MIA, doesn’t mean I stopped caring. But these group of people just stopped including me. I don’t even know the reason. I still have friends who remember me through the years despite what happened.
I hate you when we’re mad.
I love you when we’re happy.
Will it last?
You make my mood swing like an everlasting pendulum.
I’m becoming bipolar, thanks to our relationship.
Is it worth it?
In the beginning, perhaps.
Now it’s draining my energy unnecessarily.
I don’t know what should I do with you.
As time goes by, I think we grow apart and different. I am still in my own world, hoping that you could do the same. We are almost perfect for each other, but sometimes those imperfections are overpowering. Making me feel like giving up. My interest for freedom has never faded. Same goes for my fear of true sacred commitment.
Those charms are killing me. I am cheating. With my emotions. It hurts and confusing. But I know that someone is going to get hurt.
I have been bottling this up for some time and don’t know when it will just fade. However till now it’s still lasting.
I’ve been hoping too much but history still repeats itself. I think I was prepared to not be disappointed again.
My social circle is very wide, but it gets narrower through the years. I am that friend that fails to keep in contact with them, fails to meet-up with them, and goes MIA most of the time.
Some people may think it’s because I am in a relationship and thus abandon my friends. It may be slightly true but not because I prioritise my lovelife first.
I have so many friends but I still cannot find that one friend that I could express every single thing about myself to. That friend is usually my partner, whom I can share my dirty little secrets to.
I have experienced friends that will judge and stray away from me after I tell them some of my secrets, even after saying that they accept me for who I am. Thus I am afraid to lose or disappoint them with my true dark self. With them, I am my real self, just hiding everything else that is dark about myself.
Most of my friends also thought that I have forgotten about them when I go MIA or stopped contacting them. In actual fact, I still remember some of their favourite colour, their nicknames, their home area, some of their habits or pet peeves, the things we used to do together, their crushes, exes and many more. Those that I remember of them were from the past and I’m sure that people change through the years. But it is those histories that made them memorable to me until now.
I know I should have done more things, put in more effort to keep in touch, but I am that horrible friend. That horrible friend that never forgets you.
There are so many things that made me want to push you as far as possible so that neither of us gets hurt, but you know how to pull me back to you.
I have a problem.
I can’t save money.
I will spend whatever I have till it’s all gone.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I spend it on.