Speaks my mind
It’s almost an hour since I switched off the lights and lay in bed, but I can’t seem to fall asleep. So many things is on my mind. Especially about my dreams, goals and future. I kept thinking that I haven’t achieved anything lately and feel like a loser.
My 23rd birthday past and it felt as if I wasn’t a year older. It felt like i was forever 16 because that was the last time I achieved something amazing. I proved everyone and even myself wrong, by scoring well for my GCE O Levels. It was an unexpected achievement and my proudest moment.
However, ever since there have not been any major progress in my life. I’ve gotten worse instead. I gained weight, failed in relationships, getting average results for my exams, lazing around the house, stagnant in religious studies, didn’t save money, and perhaps there are more failures to be added which I am unaware of.
I’m currently having my school break and it started right after my internship ended which was in end July. My break is until October, and as days goes by, I did nothing productive or meaningful.
I had so many plans in my head but never actually execute them in real life. I planned to go for Quran lessons, go for daily workout, get a job, learn a new skill, explore around Singapore alone, do household chores, clean my room, and my plans never ends. I am ambitious, but I haven’t act it out.
I am afraid I can’t be committed to an activity, so instead of quitting halfway and possibly includes wasting time and money, I’d rather not start on anything.
I’ve got issues. I’m a perfectionist and a procrastinator. These 2 doesn’t mix well. In the end, nothing gets done. And eventually, i’ll regret. I’ve been trying to solve this issue but the only time that i managed to do so was during my O Levels. That was when i really worked my ass off and it paid off.
I always wished that I could be as motivated, but I’m a pessimist too. I have trouble looking at the bright side of life, though I always advise my friends to do so. I don’t practice what I preach, only because it affects myself.
Maybe because I always believed in “Think of others before one’s self”. It’s not okay if others failed, but it’s fine if it was me.
I’m not as strong as I seem. I put up a front to control myself. But with my loved ones, I crumble easily as I could just be myself. I cry mainly because of them as I’m afraid to lose them.
I am a crybaby. Crying when my parents are away and constantly worried about their safety.
I cry when I’m alone, behind closed doors. I rarely show my tears to others.
There was only once that I cried out in class as I was emotionally torn apart. Other than that, I don’t think there’s anymore.
I want to be strong and help others in need. When I’m in need, i’ll just rely on myself. I have to be this way. It’s just me.
You know I don’t know what it is
I am not pulling you back only when I know the truth. I have always pulled you even after I pushed you away by breaking up with you. I have never stopped loving you as I know that you’re the one for me. Things are getting more complicated now and I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe this is a sign for us. One by one our major differences is shown. It’s getting difficult for us to even patch things up. I don’t mind to remain our current relationship, an undefined one, but I’m not sure now if you’re willing to continue on this journey with me since you have someone else. I know that you still love me nonetheless, but to think about it again, it would be unfair to her. If I were to be in her shoes, i’ll be upset. Especially knowing that the both of us still enjoy each other’s company and show our love in our own ways. Although it’s an undefined relationship between you and me, it’s already clearly defined between you and her. You accepted her despite you not loving her as much yet. I don’t wish to be a part of an affair. I wouldn’t like it. I just need you to make things clear for the 2 women in your life. I do want to apologise if I am the one who is making things hard for you. I have my reasons, but you have your own rights and decisions. Don’t make a decision because of someone else. Decide because of yourself.
Yes, some HDB flats look this good
(Photos taken from hdb-interiors)
Who knew that HDB flats could look so funky and cool? As the photos show, many of them could even pass off as expensive condominium apartments.
Photos of such HDB interiors have been compiled into a Tumblr blog at http://hdb-interiors.tumblr.com/.
What’s your favourite look?
Sometimes people shouldn’t be oblivious to what others are saying about you. There might be truth behind all those gossips.
Reflect if you have done those things that others are talking about.
If yes, accept that you can’t stop people from gossiping but stop doing those mistake so that they won’t have more reasons to gossip about you.
If not, people are just creating rumours. Keep calm and
mentally bitch about them keep quiet. Nothing verbal. No major hatred.
Retaliation is a common thing we do, as we all want justice. But you know how people would accuse you more saying that you’re feeling guilty thus you retaliate.
Thus, if you can’t think of any efficient and safe way to solve the problem, then don’t aggravate the situation.
BE THE BETTER PERSON.
I may deny or hide my emotions, but I still have feelings for you. It has faded but it is still there. My love for you. I do miss you at times, although not as much. I can’t move on with my life without you. You are indeed my other half, but just not as my lover anymore. I don’t think that we’ll be able to mend our love relationship, but our current status will remain as special. I have no reason to hate you, or move on completely without you. I have grown into a better person with you. Although some things may have changed, I still respect you for who you are. And that reason is partly why we can’t be together again. I feel at ease in this current undefined relationship that we have, and hopefully you’ll understand. I know you have reassured me that everything will be better in time, and I never stopped believing in that. It’s just better for us to grow individually, but we’ll be there for one another. I’m thankful to have met you since 3 years ago, and I don’t regret those times we were together. You’ll always be that special person in my heart and in my life.
I was watching Awkward and it was the part on DTR. Define the relationship. I really don’t want to define it as it’s very difficult to do so especially in our current situation. I like the way we are now. No status. We mutually converse with each other and have no expectations. Not as a couple or as friends. Just us. I just want us to be this way, no clear definition. I hope you understand.
Singapore man Soh Zi Haur deserves a big thank you from movie junkies here. He has gone through the hassle of collating movie ticket pricing details across all the cinemas in the country so we can now know when to buy the cheapest ones.
He did so after finding out one day that he could have…
I knew that I was going to lose you. But I’ve never thought it would be this bad. I thought that we could still live our lives normally or even better as individuals. I never expected to destroy your future, your life. I’ve always wanted the best for you and wanted you to succeed in life with happiness. I never knew that 1 action could lead to serious matters especially between us. I’ve always dreamt of us still being as close friends even when we are no longer together in a relationship. I never knew it would stay just as a dream. Deep inside I still love you, but some things are not making it possible for us to stay together.
I thought to myself about what you said, “You’re not my banker”. I realised that long ago, but I just wanted to see you living in sufficiency and not seek help from others. I want you to try your very best to survive like there is no tomorrow. However, I reflect on my actions and reasons, “am I that superficial?”, “do I really care about that or is there something deeper?” I know myself and i’m not as superficial.
Honestly, you make me fall in love with you over and over again when we’re happy together, but I hate you so much whenever we fought. A relationship should be when I still love you despite happiness or anger, accepting you no matter what and not just expect you to be happy always. But I think I am very impatient and am not good with anger. I’ll fight for my rights no matter who you are.
I want us to end this drama amicably. But I think it’s impossible now. I just feel horrible about all this and what you’ll be facing in the future. I’ve always hoped and wish for you to have the brightest future ever. I hope that my wish for you will come true.
I have loved you enough to not want to see you suffer and wish you all the best for your life. I have loved you enough to still want to be there for you even just as a friend. I have loved you enough to want to save your life. I have loved you enough to still want to meet you. I have loved you enough to want us to end this hatred between us. I have loved you enough to just want to see you succeed. I have loved you enough to not see you go back to your old life. I have loved you enough to still want to care about you. I have loved you enough to want to help you find your happiness alternatively to our relationship. I have loved you enough to feel distraught for hurting you even when we’re not together.
You threaten me with suicide and it’s not the first. You leave me in confusion and in panic. I did what I had to do because I didn’t want to risk the possibilities.
I won’t cry because of a failed relationship anymore, but I cried because I didn’t want to lose someone who is dear to me. You have been a special person to me, and even when we’re not together, you will always be a person who have greatly impacted me in a positive way. You will always be that special someone who means a lot to me even when I no longer see you as my partner.
Just please stop with all the threats and stay strong. You have stopped me and encouraged me to live life to the fullest. Why can’t you do the same? I know that you’re mainly alone but that doesn’t mean that no one loves or cares about you. Have you imagined who will cry for you when you die? You may think it’s no one, but if you really believed that it means you’re selfish. You’re blinded by your own perception of your loneliness. You still have people around you who cares even when they’re nowhere near. Just believe in that. Believe that you’ll leave so many people whom you made a difference to if you were to end your life.
You’re getting impatient and you’re getting on my nerves. I know that the life-event has affected you so much, but that does not mean you can be all bitchy about it. I tried my best to keep cool and move on. YOU agreed with the whole idea of friendship, but now you’re just making this friendship difficult. I thought we were doing fine, until last week. You just don’t understand that I have been prioritising my family and school and have been busy because of that. However, you keep insisting that I make up excuses. Even if I did, it’s because you would do or say something that would make me not want to meet you at all. I feel so angry towards you now. But I can’t express it to you, because you’ll get all emotional and drown me with negativities.